There’s this common idea that to grow, you should always be “comparing up.”
Look at people ahead of you.
People who have more money, more success, better bodies, happier families, bigger houses.
The story goes: if you compare up, you’ll be inspired. If you compare down, you’ll feel better about your life.
But if I’m honest, the whole thing has never fully sat right with me.
Because I don’t actually think the problem is whether we compare up or down.
I think the problem is that we’re comparing at all.
The only person you should be comparing yourself to
The older I get, the more I believe this:
The only person you should be comparing yourself to is you.
Who you are today.
Who you were yesterday.
Who you hope to become.
Anything else is a rigged game.
We don’t know what’s really going on in someone else’s life. We see what they choose to show us — the highlight reel, the polished front. We don’t see the late-night anxiety, the quiet fights, the shame, the grief, the dull ache they carry around and stuff down so the world doesn’t notice.
We don’t know what’s behind their kimono.
We just see the fabric. Not the scars.
But our brains don’t care about context. They care about contrast.
We scroll, we look, we compare — and our minds whisper:
- You’re behind.
- You’re not enough.
- Everyone else is doing better than you.
And suddenly, we’re not living our life.
We’re just auditing it.
Social media: a funhouse mirror for self-worth
Social media pours gasoline on this.
We chase likes, views, comments, shares.
We refresh and check numbers like they’re vital signs.
But those numbers don’t measure our worth. They measure attention — and attention is a fickle, unreliable thing.
From the outside, it might look like fun. But when you’re already struggling with self-worth, that whole world can feel toxic.
Because when you’re already questioning your value, every post you see becomes evidence:
- Their family looks happier.
- Their career looks more successful.
- Their body looks stronger, leaner, more “together.”
- Their life looks… cleaner. Easier. Lighter.
You aren’t just scrolling anymore.
You’re picking yourself apart.
You start to believe a quiet, poisonous story:
They’re winning at life. I’m the one person who can’t get it together.
It’s not true, but it feels true. And when something feels true long enough, it starts to shape how you see yourself.
Everyone is carrying something
Here’s what most people don’t say out loud:
Everyone is carrying something.
The person with the perfect vacation photos might be drowning in debt.
The smiling couple might be one hard conversation away from calling it quits.
The “successful” executive might be a single panic attack away from walking away from it all.
We are all more complicated than the stories we present.
And yet, because we’re so bad at surfacing the hard realities of life — the mental health struggles, the loneliness, the confusion, the missteps — we accidentally create this illusion that everyone else is living a smooth, upward trajectory.
They’re not. None of us are.
Life is messy for everyone. Some of us are just better at hiding it.
Comparisons are nonsense
Comparison turns life into a race that no one actually wins.
If you constantly compare yourself to others:
- When you “lose,” you feel small.
- When you “win,” you feel guilty or afraid of losing your spot.
Either way, you’re not free.
You’re measured, not lived.
That doesn’t mean growth is bad or wanting more is wrong. It just means that using other people as your measuring stick is a terrible way to build a life.
Because you never have the full picture.
Because the goalposts keep moving.
Because even when you “catch up,” your brain will just find someone new to chase.
A different way: compare you to you
So what if we tried something different?
What if the only valid comparison was:
- Me today vs. me yesterday
- Me today vs. the future me I’m trying to become
Instead of asking:
“Why am I not where they are?”
Ask:
“Am I a little closer to where I want to be?”
The questions shift:
- Did I show myself a bit more compassion today than yesterday?
- Did I speak a bit more honestly?
- Did I take one small step toward something that matters to me?
- Did I handle that trigger, that habit, that hard moment… just 1% better than last time?
That’s it.
That’s growth.
Not some massive reinvention.
Not a total personality overhaul.
Just a small, honest improvement against your own baseline.
Showing more of the truth
There’s one more piece to this, and it’s uncomfortable:
We’re part of the problem.
We say we hate the fake perfection, but then we post our own polished version of reality. We hide the tough conversations, the dark nights, the “I don’t know what I’m doing” moments.
We do it for protection. For privacy. For survival, sometimes.
But the side effect is this: everyone thinks they’re the only one struggling.
We can’t fix that overnight. And we don’t owe the internet our deepest wounds.
But maybe we can shift it, slowly.
By being:
- a little more honest in what we share
- a little less polished in how we show up
- a little more willing to say, “Hey, me too. I’m not okay either — and I’m working on it.”
We can start to change the culture of comparison, not by preaching at it, but by living differently inside it.
Let the world do its thing. You focus on you.
Here’s where I land:
Comparisons are nonsense.
The world will always have someone richer, thinner, happier-looking, more accomplished, more whatever.
Let them have their journey.
Your job — my job — is simpler, but somehow harder:
- Focus on your own path.
- Notice your own progress.
- Honour your own pace.
And remember this:
Most people struggle to surface the hard realities of their life. That doesn’t mean those realities don’t exist. It just means you can’t see them.
So the next time you catch yourself slipping into that spiral of comparison, try this:
- Take a breath.
- Put the phone down.
- Ask, “How am I doing compared to yesterday?”
And if the honest answer is, “I’m trying” — that counts.
That’s you, against you.
And that’s more than enough.
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